Preserving heirlooms and memories – and not feeling guilty when you decide to let go

A few years ago, I helped an older friend downsize out of her enormous home. The house was packed—basement to third-story attic—with her possessions and those of her late husband. We even found a closet full of items belonging to his long-deceased first wife.

For weeks, we asked several hundred questions a day, like, “What’s this? Whose is it? Do you want it? Who should we give this to?” Occasionally, we discovered items so evocative, I felt I’d met their owners: love letters, a set of tiny glass-beaded purses, and a tray my friend’s husband had hand-painted for his first wife for their 10^th anniversary. We had to decide what to do with every single thing.

It’s one thing to downsize ordinary household items, like spatulas or towels. But trying to figure out what to do with sentimental items—like love letters or that anniversary tray—can be trickier. Here are some of the strategies that helped us know what to keep, what to get rid of, and how to let go gracefully.

Make a clean sweep — physically and emotionally.

While cleaning or decluttering, pull out your sentimental items and have a little heart-to-heart with them. Ask yourself why you’re holding onto each one.

While cleaning or decluttering, pull out your sentimental items and have a little heart-to-heart with them. Ask yourself why you’re holding onto each one.

You might find that some of your possessions have tremendous emotional power. Family heirlooms and antiques represent a history you may want to respect and remember. Keepsakes prompt memories of loved ones or special events.

With others, you may find yourself unexpectedly ready to let go.

Even so, the items can induce negative feelings, like guilt or anxiety, when you contemplate getting rid of them. You may feel a sense of obligation, or perhaps you anticipate that other relatives will be upset if you give something away.

Once you recognize such feelings, you can work through them. You may even be able to find another home for family heirlooms within your extended family. But if not, give yourself permission to donate, recycle or dispose. Your children or other loved ones will likely thank you down the road.

One important point — if you’re dealing with powerful emotions, such as grieving the recent loss of a loved one, you may not be ready to sort through belongings that hold their memories. The grieving process is unique for each person; so is the timeline for dealing with their possessions. Take your time. If you need to, have a friend box everything up and worry about it later.

What to keep

When you are ready to sort, ask yourself: “What sentimental item would I grab if fleeing my home during an emergency?” A certain family photo album? Your mother’s wedding ring? Put those items at the top of your “keep” list.  What do you own that’s truly one-of-a-kind? What items evoke the strongest, most positive memories—memories that wouldn’t remain so clear in your head just by snapping a picture of the item and writing down its story? Perhaps an item represents an important relationship or a personal triumph or both: a Halloween costume you and your mother designed, with little buttons you sewed on yourself.

If you still have room (and you’ve got to be honest about this—everything takes up space, even Halloween costumes and photos), consider whether some things you hope to keep may serve more than sentimental purposes. Put your grandfather’s old binoculars on display so it will be easy to grab them next time you head to a football game. Fold a favorite quilt for a display shelf (if it’s fragile) or your spare bed (if it’s nice enough to use).

Whatever you choose to keep, document it. In the future, you or your heirs may wonder what’s so special about it.

Whatever you choose to keep, document it. In the future, you or your heirs may wonder what’s so special about it. It may be as simple as inserting a note in that writing desk: “My father built this desk for me when I was a teenager. I loved all the cubbies for tucking notes from my friends.” If you have several items that mean something to you, create an heirloom inventory that describes each item, its provenance and meaning to you. My heirloom inventory is in a standard photo album, with captioned pictures of each item.

What to get rid of — and how

Once you identify and set aside true family treasures, you’ll likely see less-important items for what they are: less important. It may be easier to donate your mother’s bag of scrap fabric when you realize that the wedding ring and Halloween costume you’re keeping are enough “things” to sustain your memory of her. You may be satisfied with keeping just one teacup from grandma’s china set, or one of the old license plates from grandpa’s collection.

Consider getting rid of collections of mass-produced items, art prints and other consumer goods. These tend to have less emotional power. And if you change your mind later, replacements are often available in online auctions or resale shops. Let go of old books or magazines you could find in libraries or online. If don’t have a record player, give away those LPs and content yourself with audio files you might find online.

Finding a meaningful home for your treasures often makes it easier to part with them. Here are some ideas:

• Ask other relatives if they’d like to have specific family artifacts.
• Digitize and share old family documents, photos, scrapbooks and audio and video files with these tips from the National Archives.
• Offer historically interesting items to a local museum or archive, or one that specializes in artifacts like yours, like a military archive or a doll museum.
• Disperse a collection to other appreciative loved ones. Give each grandchild a teacup from grandma’s china or one of grandpa’s license plates.
• Donate to a favorite charity—yours or a loved one’s. For example, you might sell your uncle’s poker table and donate the proceeds to an animal shelter in memory of him (and his dog).

These were just the kinds of decisions we made at my friend’s house. She kept those love letters and donated the first wife’s photo album to a historical society where the woman grew up. Objects of historical value went to a local archive. Most of the household contents went in a weekend sale, and the profits helped fund her move.

And that hand-painted tray her husband gave his first wife years ago? I kept it myself, with her permission. It was around the time of my own 10^th anniversary, and I loved what it expressed. It’s now part of my own archive—and I’ve labeled it, so years from now, my own heirs will know what it is.

Sunny Morton

Sunny Jane Morton is a Contributing Editor at Family Tree Magazine and the author of hundreds of publications on how to trace family history, including Genealogy Giants: Comparing the 4 Major Websites, Story of My Life: A Workbook for Preserving Your Legacy and the forthcoming How to Find Your Family History in U.S. Church Records.